144 replies to this topic

[dangermouse]

Please keep them clean so that all can enjoy.

--------------

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around and around Just because I'm a blonde does not mean Im automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year - namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves.... There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back.



---------------



A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
name plate that the teller's name is Patti Whack.  So he says, "Ms
Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on holiday".
      
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
borrow. The frog says 30,000 dollars. The teller asks his name and the
frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the
bank manager.
      
Patti explains that 30,000 dollars is a substantial amount of money and
that he would need to secure some collateral against the loan and asks
if he has anything he can use as collateral.  The frog says "Sure. I
have this" and produces a tiny pink
elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
      
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and
says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know
you and wants to borrow 30 grand. And he wants to use this as
collateral".  She holds up the tiny pink elephant.  "I mean, what is
this?"
      
The bank manager replies: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the
frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

[dangermouse]

some more

----------------------


- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
- How do I set my laser printer on stun?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- If God dropped acid, would he see people?
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
- If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
- Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
- If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?


-----------------------

and one to ponder


HELL: EXOTHERMIC OR ENDOTHERMIC?

A true story.

A Georgia Tech thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam
for his graduate students. It had one question:

"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer
with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
or some variant. One student, however wrote the following:
"First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some
mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass.
So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are
souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the  different religions
that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there
are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more
than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to
hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law
states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to
stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to
stay constant.
#1   So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will
increase until all hell breaks loose.
#2   Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will
drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Therese
Banyan during Freshman year concerning cold days in hell, and take
into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having
sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is thus
proved to be exothermic."

The student got the only A.


I guess the moral to the story is that if you want a good thermal
this time of year, you can go to hell.

[Revracing]

Good stuff their Dm  

Here is a quick one...

A ship carrying red paint and a ship carrying blue paint collided in the Atlantic ocean. Apparently all of the survivors were marooned.

[FourWheelDrift]

dangermouse, on Oct 12 2005, 05:31 PM, said:

Please keep them clean so that all can enjoy.

Damn.....probably not then  


Ok...how about these?

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, 'Thyroid' problem?


My mum was a ventriloquist and she was always throwing her voice. For ten
years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.


I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.


My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he
got thrown out of the fire brigade.


I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

[Keithuk]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see Dr. Chang, the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room". Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr.Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did. Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."  

_______________________________________________________________________________
Teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. "There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone". To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,...but I like your thinking."  

[Quattro]

Blonde Telegram Message
========================
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde, she'll read it very slow."

[Quattro]

Redneck Driving Applications
==========================
Redneck Driver's Application Plez compleet this paper, best ya can. Last name: ________________ First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician Spouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________ Lover's Name: __________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) If you obtained a higher education what was your major? [_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No) Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse ____ shed ____ pawnshop Model and year of your pickup: _________ 194_ Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man [_] Skoal How far is your home from a paved road? [_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know

* If you've got trouble filling this out .. then ask Scotty for HELP!    

Edited by Quattro, Oct 23 2005 - 10:06 PM.

[scotty]

SSSssssshhhh!

I'm taking a test!  

[FourWheelDrift]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said,

"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied.

"Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.

The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary .....".

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?". The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?

" No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

[Quattro]

HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
======================
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that there was a less expensive procedure too. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Texas, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, West Virginia and of course, Arkansas.....

[Fast Tommi]

        


aaaaaahhhhhhhrrrrrggggg....

too cool, mate        

tommi  

[Quattro]

Ok maybe this isn't a joke but it's damn funny!
Enjoy
Quattro

[Quattro]

Ok maybe this isn't a joke but it's damn funny!
Enjoy
Quattro

Attached Files

•  Why.zip   1.74MB   44 downloads

Edited by Quattro, Nov 24 2005 - 05:46 PM.

[MECH]

Quattro, on Nov 25 2005, 12:44 AM, said:

Ok maybe this isn't a joke but it's damn funny!
Enjoy
Quattro

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

This one is also a rather funny movie.

And for the people who like to read:

A blind man stumbles into a bar not knowing it is a lesbian bar.
He orders a beer and sits down enjoying his beer for a moment.
All of a sudden he raises his voice and says: anyone in for a good joke about blondes?
The bartender(es) bends over and whispers in his ear: I think you should reconsider telling this joke, the women to the right off you is a blond wrestling champion. The women to the left of you is a blond boxing champion. And i am a blond karate black belt. The blind man frowns his eyebrows and says: Damn your right i'm really not in the mood to explain this joke three times in a row!

Attached Files

•  747.zip   319bytes   30 downloads

Edited by MECH, Nov 27 2005 - 12:53 PM.

[Quattro]

Good one bro!  
Cheers